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Cheap Jeep/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW If you have cherry trees in your area, this is the time of year when you wanna get over there and start picking those babies. The danger is maybe you don't have a decent ladder -- or maybe you do, but you loaned it to somebody, or maybe you gave it back to somebody. Then you start thinking about climbing the tree to get at the cherries, or worse yet, making your own scaffolding. Hi, mr green. Hi, mike. I wouldn't advise it, unless you like hospital food. No, no, here's a simple one-step way to pick your own cherries. [ mike moaning ] all you need is a friend who has a convertible. Probably better if it's not a close friend. [ applause ] [ cheering and applause ] all right, thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, appreciate that. You know, my wife bernice was taking a hard look at the possum van the other day, and she's decided we need a second vehicle, something she would actually ride in. So I know a fair bit about cars, and I was looking at one of my favourite magazines, and, uh, saw an ad in there where you can get an army surplus jeep for 75 bucks. 75 bucks! Come on! I called the number, I placed my order. The guy had kind of a weird accent. I don't care, I'm getting an army jeep for 75 bucks! Hey, red, your jeep's in. Really? Where is it? What? It's in this crate. What's all this stuff? Jeep parts. There's another 15 crates out back. Oh, great, it's a kit! Did they send any instructions? Oh, yeah, yeah. Bilingual. Spanish and german. Oh, that doesn't matter. I know what a jeep looks like. Oh, I don't have a good feeling about this. Oh, come on, winston. A jeep is the most logical vehicle ever made. You just take one piece and just go step by step. Just takes a few brains, that's all. I don't have a good feeling about this. Winston, it's only 75 bucks, for crying out -- listen, I've been working around cars and trucks all my life, and I know a good deal when I see it. Yeah, well, I've been working around sewage all my life, and I know crap when I see it! [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] and today, dalton is going to be playing for a free dinner for two at hoofers restaurant and sports bar. Ooh, la la. At hoofers all the waitresses have big feet. Okay, mr green, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, yeah, all right, mike. And go! Okay, dalton, this is a mechanical device that only your wife uses. The remote control? Okay, okay, but when anne marie's watching television what do you use to clean the carpet? Tweezers. Okay. Say you had a container of some kind and it sucked everything out of it, okay? What's left inside is... My life. All right, okay, no. This is something that has a bag on the back and the dog barks at it. Oh, the postman! Almost outta time, mr green. Okay, dalton, have you ever seen your daughter's boyfriend eat? Oh, he's a vacuum! There you go! [ cheering and applause ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. If what you see is what you did, call me before you close the lid. Kind of going off the beaten path on today's handyman corner. Gonna do something a little more on the craft side. For those of you who don't appreciate sledgehammers and chain saws, and still have the time to sit down and write a letter to the network, where they can start putting pressure on me, thank you very much. So today we're gonna show you how you can make pottery using kitchen appliances. And for those of you who enjoy this kind of thing, I would suggest that you pay real close attention, because this is a one-time only situation, believe me. Right now I'm making up a batch of quick-drying cement that we're gonna use to make our mold. This is actually a recipe from my grandmother for sugar cookies. Hard as nails. Oh, yeah, my grandfather could never eat 'em until she made him a set of teeth out of the same stuff. We're gonna use this stuff to make fridge magnets, yeah. Gonna make fridge magnets in the shape of... Beer caps. So all we gotta do is stick the beer cap down into the cookie mix and get her completely covered. Get her well in there and get her -- uh-oh. I lost it. It's gotta be down there somewhere. Oh, oh -- okay, uh, plan "b." we're gonna make a fridge magnet in the shape of a wristwatch. Okay, this is fun, isn't it, ladies? I've managed to remove the watch from the mold. Now what I do is pour olive oil into her there so that nothing will stick to it. This is, uh, virgin olive oil. Well, it's never been used for this before. Now all I gotta do is use more cement and inject it into the mold with this cake decorator. This is also called a forced piping bag. Sounds scottish, doesn't it? All right, you lay that in there, and you just let her set for about ten minutes. Okay, now I have my plaster watch, which is an exact replica of my original watch, including, unfortunately, the warranty. Now, I'm just gonna paint that up there to make it look even more lifelike. Isn't that beautiful? Doesn't matter what time you paint it to, it'll be right twice a day. Enjoy that one, ladies? All right, what I'm gonna do now to make it into a fridge magnet is to add a little piece of magnet onto the back of her there. This is a real powerful magnet. It's made out of molybdenite or plutonium or something. I'm just gonna cut a little chunk off the back of that. Had a bit of a re-think on the magnet thing. Just gonna use a little piece of duct tape stuck on there instead. All right, ladies, we're almost finished. You can go back to your knitting any time now, but you know, sometimes it's those last couple of steps that really make the difference, make it a professional looking job. Because, you know, yeah, we got it painted, but real pottery has that nice smooth glaze on the outside, so what I'm gonna do is take my dishwasher here, and take the intake hose -- see this can of lacquer? I just stick the intake hose into the lacquer, and that'll spray a nice finish on there. A lot smoother than you can do with, say, a brush or a piece of paper towel. [ sound of dishwasher running ] and now the last step, ladies. Put the watch into the toaster oven kiln and cure the glaze. At this point it's probably looking pretty simple. And you can use the control between light and dark to set the deepness of your colour. And it's just that easy. [ timer bell ringing ] oh, it's all done. [ blowing ] just what everybody needs... A hot watch. So remember, if the women don't find you a craftsman, they should at least find you crafty. [ cheering and applause ] you know, when you get to be a guy my age, you really wanna sit back and keep your mouth shut as often as possible. And there are certain times when speaking your mind is even more dangerous than usual. Well, like, say, at the church picnic when you suddenly remember the joke that ex-marine told you. Or any time your wife is acting friendly. Or if you happen to be sitting in the passenger seat the first time your teenager drives the family car. I know, you wanna scream out; you wanna grab the steering wheel; you may even rip the arm rest right off the door panel; but you gotta just kinda stay relaxed, you gotta take the long view. Cast your mind ahead a couple of months to where they've got their driver's license and your pulse has returned to normal. You know what? Your life is gonna get a lot better then. You won't have to chauffeur them around every time they want a new tattoo. And they'll even run errands for you. So just kind of cool it down, you know? Just sit there and don't let them see you cringe every time they knock over a stop sign. And when they clip off a mirror off a parked vehicle, compliment them for missing the rest of the cop car. You just stay calm now, and in a couple of months, you'll be able to dangle these car keys in front of your teenager and suddenly have that trump card you so desperately need. Remember, I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together. [ applause ] well, we're getting the jeep together bit by bit. It's not easy, but, hey, 75 bucks. If I wasn't so bad with pliers I'd have to pinch myself. The only problem has been the steering and the pedals. They seem all kinda backwards. But, I'll tell ya, you get a big enough hammer and lots of duct tape, you can make anything work. Yeah? Hey, red. I think I figured out why we were having so much trouble with the steering. You see these decals? You bought a j.D.F. Vehicle. Yeah, okay, that's fine, I guess. Do you know what j.D.F. Means? Well, as long as it doesn't mean "jeep doesn't function," I don't care. It was 75 bucks. It's probably worth 1,000 bucks. It's probably worth 5,000 bucks. Red, j.D.F. Stands for jamaican defence force. The jeep's from jamaica! Well, irie, mon. And what does that have to do with the steering being all kind of weird? Well, because in jamaica they drive on the left side of the road; you know, like in England. So this jeep's a right-hand drive. Well, not anymore. Yeah, I know that. I'm just a little concerned about converting a vehicle from right-hand drive to left-hand drive by beating the living daylights out of all the linkage pieces. Well, okay, so it's not going to be perfect, you know. No! It's going to be a hazard to every person in the vehicle and every other vehicle on the road. This jeep's a death trap! I know, but it was only 75 bucks! Anyway, as long as the brakes work, there's no real problem. Who's hooking up the brakes? Well, I am. I don't have a good feeling about this. Winston, when have I ever built something that didn't work? All right, fine. When I get my deathtrap together, you don't get to ride in it! Oh, come on! No, no, if you're gonna be critical, you don't get the fun of risking your life. No! Just kidding. No, I was no, no, no. Aw, come on. [ applause ] today on talking animals, local animal control officer, ed frid, is here to teach us a little bit about chameleons. Come on. Come on up, ed. It's only a chameleon, for crying out loud. Chameleons are cold-blooded, red. That means they're indifferent to death and killing. No, it doesn't. It just means they have no tolerance for winter. They're like seniors. [ laughter ] red, chameleons have tongues longer than their whole bodies! They're total freak shows. And their eyes, they move independently, like this... How can you trust anything like this? Stop doing that, ed. Get the chameleon out here. I don't think we should do that. Oh, for gosh sakes. No, red, don't do that! If the chameleon feels its space is being invaded, it'll shoot its tongue right up your nose. And then it will pull out a piece of your brain. I don't think there's even a chameleon in there, ed. The chameleons change colours to match their surroundings. He's coloured himself to look like a chunk of wood. Ah! Ah! Ah! [ laughter ] he doesn't actually turn into a chunk of wood, does he, ed? Huh? Huh? No, uh -- watch your nose. Well, if that's just wood, where's the chameleon? Don't make any sudden movements, red. ( gasps ) [ laughter and applause ] he could be anywhere. Oh, uh, ed, you know what? Maybe you should go home. You might've left him there. Yeah, I probably did. Yeah, thanks. That's probably where he is. [ laughter and applause ] red: Well, we're all meeting up there on the hill. Walter had his little soapbox going and I brought mine in, the road hog. Boy, winston has -- he's got money, you can tell. And then dalton -- oh, look at this. Look at this rig. Check this one out. Oh, man. Oh, baby. Two, three, go! And winston gets off like a rocket. I don't have the -- the -- I'm coming. I'm gaining. I'm gaining. I'm gaining. I'm gaining. Dalton's got some problems. Start your engines, there, dalton. Winston's doing all right. Oh, log! Log! Oh! Now we're sliding good. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Okay, so winston won that. Walter came in second. And I was, uh -- oh, oh, that's gotta hurt. ( chuckling ) okay, I got my deal. Let's have a rematch here. That's not fair. You had the expensive cart. We had an idea. It'll be winston against the whole bunch of us. So he's got his, and we kinda took all our carts and put them together into a beauty. Look at that. Now you're talking. All right, smart guy, you ready? Here we go. One, two, three, and we're off! Heave ho. There we go. Let go of the oars. Okay, now, it takes a while. We've got a little more weight, but once we get -- turn this -- no, no, no -- okay, that's -- no, no, no! Too much. Too much. Too much. Log! Log! Oh, no! Oh, boy. And right up and over winston, and... Hey, we got him! All right. [ cheering and applause ] you know, I always love it when you can combine nature and technology. Like they do on a sun dial or water wheel or a drive-in theatre. Now, for my part of nature, I'm gonna use this sunflower. It turns to face the sun as the day goes by. And for my technology, I've got this satellite dish that's controlled by this joy stick. I figure there's gotta be a way to get these two working together. Well, I did it. I hooked the joy stick up to the sunflower, so the sunflower's going to keep this satellite dish pointing at the sun all day long. Give me a week, I'll look like george hamilton, or maybe george burns. [ applause ] you know, some people have looks; some have brains; some have talent. Then there was delmore clumpstead. Everybody figured delmore would have a tough life because the village had downsized and no longer needed an idiot. Delmore clumpstead was maybe the dumbest guy ever at possum lake. Now, just take a moment to truly appreciate that benchmark. He was so dumb he didn't even know how dumb he was. But that was his greatest asset. Yeah, it gave him all kinds of confidence in himself and so much disdain for other people. We thought he had a future in politics. Delmore had no interest in school, and the feeling was mutual. He didn't like it when people would say things to him that he didn't understand. He wanted to do that himself. So he formed a business where he would give advice to strangers. They were supposed to come into his office, and he would tell them what was wrong with them and how much smarter he was. It was kind of like talking to your dad, except you had to pay for it. Well, it shocked the heck out of everyone when delmore's advice thing took off. People came from all over the place to give delmore 10 bucks to tell them what was wrong with them. Wasn't long before he published a whole series of self-help books. "you know what the trouble with you is?" "you're wrong and I'll tell you why." oh, and his real money maker... "stop whining and write me a cheque." I knew a lot of guys in prison who were way smarter than delmore clumpstead. But you know, it's tough being a successful criminal if you've got a lot of brains. People realise you're smart, then they get suspicious. Delmore, he never had that problem. Looking into his eyes was like looking into outer space; except it was more vacuum. [ siren wailing ] I gotta go. I'm bringing back a ladder for a friend. Oh, delmore was a one-man show. Nobody worked for him. (chuckling) I remember he came to see my dad in the early '50s, looking to buy a monkey. My dad asked him what he wanted it for. Delmore said he wanted to have a monkey as his vice president. Maybe that's where george bush got the idea. ( screaming ) delmore could never sustain his early success, but he did prove a couple of things in his lifetime. He proved that you can never go broke underestimating the self-esteem of the north american public, and if you wanna make it real big, you need more than one idiot. That last one became the mission statement of possum lodge. We thank you for that, delmore clumpstead. [ applause ] uh, okay, uh -- had our first test drive in the jeep. We got a few bugs we gotta work on her there. Problems? Uh, no, everything's uh, under control. Okay, a little tip for you handymen out there... If you're ever working on a right-hand drive vehicle, the nut that holds the wheel on is, in fact, left-hand thread. No matter how much you turn it to the right, it will not tighten, and, in fact, the wheel will eventually come off in your hand. Everything okay, there, winston? Whew! Well, the fire's out. But now it sort of smells like three-day-old jerk pork. Well, you would know. Oh, by the way, if you get the jeep back on the road again, I'm calling the cops myself! Gee, you know, I don't think it went that bad. Not that bad? When you turned left, it went right. When you hit the brakes, it went faster. That can't be okay. Okay, but this is what happens in history, right. Some people persevere, others quit just when they're close to success. Well, you're close to something, but it isn't success. So you're saying I should abandon the jeep? Oh, yeah! What if I let you drive? I don't think so. No, no. Oh, man, winston, it's so hard for me to admit I was wrong. Well, I'll mention that at the funeral. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time, there, mr knievel. You go ahead, winston. I'll be right down. Okay, if my wife is watching, honey, uh, I think you should go out and get yourself whatever car you want. But I'm bringing home kind of an interesting lawn sculpture. It's kind of an automotive charcoal theme. It only cost me 75 bucks, but I bet it's worth 5,000. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] take a seat, everyone. Sit down, everyone. Sit down. Sit down, please. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. All: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Red: Okay, first of all, I wanna thank all you guys for helping me put that jeep together. I know this is going to disappoint you, but I decided to take her off the road permanently. [ cheering and applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com